I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
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Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.