interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
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He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?