Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
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I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]