I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
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Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can