COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
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ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
That lamp looks PISSED.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
All set.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!