So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
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always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.