Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
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If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
huge valentines day plans this year!!
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it