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I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Yeah. This was me today.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.