My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
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I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say