My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
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9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.