Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
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Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
The game has officially changed 😎
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine