You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
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The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it