Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
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My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.