My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled