Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
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football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
me when the borders lift
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack