POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
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men’s fashion peaked in 1838
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Beware of the dog..
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?