Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
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Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird