My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
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me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
😆this is so true
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Just ordered me some pizza!
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.