Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
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ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Krampus.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Beware…..
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy