Finally, an explanation.
You Might Also Like
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible