*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
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A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any