Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
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astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.