Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
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Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
So true for me
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.