“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
You Might Also Like
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I can also cook 😂
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok