Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
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I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.