hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
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[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
the prophecy has been fulfilled