just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
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Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Breakfast for Stoners:
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”