Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
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I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.