ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
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I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life