Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
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As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.