When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
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Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Come back with a warrant
Canadian owl: Eh?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*