My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
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YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately