Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
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ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
favorite tropes as memes
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!