What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
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dictator is short for richard potato
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me