I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
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I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon: