[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
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(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
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“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”