If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
ok like just. call me at this point
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”