WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?