The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
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the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
#NeverForget
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.