why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
You Might Also Like
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”