When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
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Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.