I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
You Might Also Like
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
In Canada they just call them geese
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Monday
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee