You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
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5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Just parrot things
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.