JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
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[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to