You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
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Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?