IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
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GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I think they could have phrased this better
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks