[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
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Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I want what they have
You better watch out
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Probably my best painting.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.