GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
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Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
every single time
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”