Girl, same.
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When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Girl, same.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Noted.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words