Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
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Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
This dude got his own movie?
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”